My anxious child can't sleep: how to calm bedtime worries

The short answer

Worries often get louder at bedtime because the day goes quiet and there is nothing left to distract an anxious mind. What helps most is a predictable wind-down routine, moving worry-talk earlier in the evening, a few calming tools your child can use themselves, and gradually stepping back so they learn they can fall asleep safely on their own.

You're not the only one

In a large US survey of parents of young children by the C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll, nearly 1 in 4 parents said worry or anxiety delays their child's sleep at least some of the time, and about 1 in 3 stay in the room until their child is fully asleep. Bedtime battles are rarely about "naughtiness". They are usually about a child who doesn't yet feel safe enough to let go.

Why worries get bigger at night

• The house is quiet and dark, so there's space for thoughts to grow.
• Your child is tired, which makes feelings harder to manage.
• Bedtime means separation from you, which is hard for anxious children.
• If worry has kept them awake before, they may start worrying about not sleeping, too.

1. Keep the routine the same every night

Sarah Clark, co-director of the Mott poll, says: "Establishing a consistent bedtime routine is crucial." The same steps, in the same order, at roughly the same time tell the body that sleep is coming. For example: bath, pyjamas, teeth, two stories, cuddle, lights low, goodnight phrase.

A short visual chart with pictures helps younger and neurodivergent children see what comes next, which reduces the "one more thing" negotiations.

2. Move worry time earlier

Instead of talking through worries in the dark, set aside 10 minutes after dinner for "worry time". Your child can tell you their worries or draw them, then put them in a worry box "until tomorrow". If a worry pops up at bedtime, say kindly: "That sounds like one for worry time. Let's pop it in the box and look at it tomorrow."

3. Keep the bed for sleep

Child psychologist Dr Clark Goldstein of the Child Mind Institute recommends avoiding screens, games and homework in bed, so the brain links bed with rest. Screens off at least an hour before sleep also helps, and avoid caffeine (including cola and some iced teas) from the afternoon.

4. Give your child calming tools of their own

• Slow "balloon" breathing: breathe in through the nose, out slowly as if blowing up a balloon.
• Tense and relax: squeeze toes, hold, let go, moving up the body.
• A calm audio story or gentle music.
• A comfort object or a "brave" torch to keep by the bed.

Practise these during the day first, so they feel familiar at night.

5. Step back gradually

If your child can only fall asleep with you beside them, don't stop suddenly. Instead, move in small steps over a week or two:

• Sit on the bed, then on a chair beside the bed.
• Move the chair halfway to the door, then to the doorway.
• Do short "check-ins" ("I'll be back in five minutes") and always keep your promise.

This approach, used in parent-based programmes such as SPACE from the Yale Child Study Center, helps children learn that they can cope, while still feeling your support.

6. Notice what's behind the worry

Bedtime fears on Sunday nights or school nights can point to something specific at school: a friendship worry, a strict teacher, the toilets. A gentle daytime chat, or a quick word with the teacher, can uncover it.

A note on melatonin

In the UK, melatonin is a prescription medicine for children. Please speak to your GP or pharmacist rather than buying it online.

When to get extra help

Talk to your GP if your child regularly takes more than an hour to fall asleep, has panic attacks at night, snores loudly, or if poor sleep is affecting school and family life. CBT-based help for anxiety and sleep works well for many children.

How Hearth can help

Hearth's free Sleep page has gentle sleep sounds and piano music for wind-down, and our breathing exercises come with step-by-step timers. Find them at hearthwellbeinghub.com.

This article is wellbeing self-help, not a replacement for professional support.

Sources: C.S. Mott Children's Hospital National Poll on Children's Health (2024), via ScienceDaily; Clark Goldstein PhD, Child Mind Institute; Lebowitz et al. (2019), SPACE programme, Yale.